Grow in Love

      Not to long ago i got a new piece  for my room to hang on my wall. It says lots of things that every person should do in their life (find a passion, try new thing, be creative, ect.). One of the lines said fall in love. i show my dad the new piece to get his opinion. He looked at it an within the first 5 seconds of reading he exclamed, "no!" asked him what was wrong. he turned to me and told me, "no, you don't fall in love. falling hurts, you should know that better than anyone else with your arm. when you fall things break and you can put them back together but they will never quite be the same. no. you grow in love. because when you grow in love you are constantly learning. so that even if things do end you aren't broken, you are in one piece. and even though the little pieces might have changed abit, they will make you better, stronger."
    At the time i thought i understood what those words were suppose to mean to me, but i didn't. Today my best friend texted me and told me that she was sick. instantly i told her that i would come over to her house and bring her starbucks. i didnt even worry about if my mom or brother needed there cars because i knew i needed to be there for her.
    Me and melanie definently have a relationship that has grown. it has gone from were hangin out cause we dont have anyone else, to your really different then i thought, to wow your really my best friend, to your really like my sister, and it has taken time. and i realized tonight that our friendship is like what my dad described. sometimes people getting really close really fast and in the end they trust someone to easily and get hurt. but i have found my best friendships are the ones that i have grown in. the people i care about and trust the most are the relationships that have been taken them slowly.
    I can't wait until i meet that some one that i will get to know. Some one that i will get to bring their favorite food when their sick. Some one that will make me laugh uncontrolably and acted immature with. Some one who would drop everything when i need them. Some one i will trust on experience that they are trustworthy. Some one i will have a deep friendship with. Some one i will grow in love with.

Have deep meaningfull friendships. they just might change your life.

Jess

Changed

   i will be quite honest, i dont very much enjoy new years in fact i quite dread them. it is the one night of the year that we all stay up to celebrate 'new beginnings'. but the truth is we aren't starting over we are just continuing on a new page. things that have happened aren't just going to go away in fact the new years always just seem to be this constant reminder that they arent going to happen again.
  This year i made plans to hang out with some people on new years although i was sick but i decided to stay home. my voice has been gone for the most part of the past three days. i have gotten very frusterated by this because i can't sing. and the more i thought about it the more i realized that i am very hard to please. because when i have something its quite simple. i have it. nothing else matters. but when i lose things that i want i become a not so plesent person.
   like when i new year comes and takes away the old year i'm not happy. because all i really want is right now. i want someone to see whats going on right now.
   and right now i dont have my voice.
   i feel both literally and figuratively.
   but maybe this time. maybe this new year i wont let my voice slip away like i have in the past.
   because i dont want to lose my voice, i dont want to lose my say in what i want my life to be.

  this new year hasn't come without its fair share of burdens that i still have to carry from last year. but im ready. im ready to take on this thing we all call life. for so long i have kind of just floated through but not now. im ready to be couragous.
maybe project 365 changed me, maybe my new way of school changed me, maybe God changed me, maybe my circumstnaces changed me, but its undeniable that i am changed.

change can be scary... but this year embrace it with all the courage you have. it just might change you.

Jess

finding words

   i don't think ill ever be able to forget anything you've told me. you don't know but to me your everywhere. i cant go a day without remembering. and if i wanted to i could close my eyes and i could see you, i could feel you, i could hear your voice. you don't know what you left behind. you don't know how much i miss you. not the sappy love kind of miss you but just missing your presence in my life. you told me our friendship was way to strong to throw away and yet i feel like i don't even know you anymore. i feel like i bother you. i feel like i let you win even when your not here.
  i wish it wouldn't of happened. i wish i could take it all back. i wish we could go back to how we were. you're that one person that if you came back into my life no matter how much i've been hurt by you i would always cave and let you back in, because you have this way of making me smile. this simple humor that can paint a smile on my face. text messages from you are different then they are from everyone else. i could be on the phone with you for hours and not even say a word and it would matter because i would know that you are there. maybe that's it maybe that why no one gets me like you. everyone else is so predictable but i never know what you're gonna do next. and maybe that's what scares me, is one minute out of no where you want me and the next you could be so cold.
  i honest wish i still had you because you changed everything. but i'm finding my way, i'm finding a new adventure, i'm finally finding the words i need to tell you.

take your time so you can say it right.

Jess

The Smallest Gifts

     At Christmas time we are all surrounded by the busy hustle and bustle of our world. we are consumed in the pressure of giving the best gifts and receiving exactly what we have asked people for.
    This year i was thrown for one of the biggest curves i believe life has ever thrown me. decisions were made quickly and effects were felt almost instantaneously. because my parents have been divorced since i was two it is a custom for me to receive two Christmas' every year, but this year due to changes in relationships i only had one Christmas. these past four days have honestly changed my life. i have had to chose the people that are really in my life to better my being, and although i know that my decisions have hurt people i also know that there decisions have hurt me.
   Christmas eve i got to see my dad's side of the family that i haven't seen in years, and one of my aunts gave me a quilt that my great aunt ruby had hand made. it meant so much to me that she would want to give me this small piece of my heritage. i have more then enough cousin's on that side but she chose to give it to me.
   the gift that i gave to my mom was a small bracelet in a small blue box with a silver ribbon that also contained a letter that i had written to her the night before. in the letter i told her how thankful i am for her in my life and how grateful i am that she was standing by me when i stood up for myself in these past few days. while my mom read the short letter she burst into streams of tears which sent me into a flood of them.
    i knew that my mom wasn't crying because of the bracelet i gave her she was crying because she knows that i love her and that's really what we are trying to tell people when we give them gifts. that we love them.
   i got exactly what i wanted this Christmas but that isn't what's important. what's important is that i know now that i know that i have surrounded myself with people that truly care about me and the smallest gifts are the one's that can impact people lives the most.

this one is for my mom.
you are the best mom i could ever ask for. thank you for always loving and doing what best for me. even when i don't deserve it and even when it's not what i want. i love you.

its always the little things.

Jess

365

so the other day me and my brother were driving to my mom work to help her with a project and we had been fighting in the car and i was really upset. i had my camera with me so i started ignoring him and taking pictures.

  when i least expected it i took this picture and was so amazed. not by the picture but by what's in it.
i saw the 365 and i almost started crying because how often do things like that happen! and then even deeper the 'objects in mirror are closer than they appear' total hit me.
before i know it another year will have gone by, and i honestly don't want to spend this year fighting with the people i care about the most. i want my next 365 to be one that i will remember as the year i was different.
i want this year to be the one where i'm who said i was sorry instead of the one continuing pointless arguments.
i want to be kinder to the people i care about.
i want to love more
i want to not be afraid of change
i want to embrace new things
i want to be adventurous
i don't doubt the ability that a whole year has to change a person completely, but the change doesn't just happen. each day i will be molded a bit differently and then a year from today i will wake up and see this and see i knew i was. but i am meant for so much and that has brought me to this.

embrace you.

Jess

...strength and patience...

   recently i was asked how i have dealt with a broken heart, my answer was as follows.

"i cried and i screamed and i acted pathetic. i skipped taking showers and instead laid in bed for days on end. i would have my own pity parties. i would get irritable and push everyone away. i would cry. i let my heart ache. i let the pain throb and pulse through my entire body. i blamed him. i blamed myself. i blamed the world. i exhausted myself with, "what if i did this...would we be together?" i would pretend i was getting better only to have a relapse.
i gathered strength to get up and take a shower only to break down once i started the water. i attempted to remove him from my life. i attempted to bring him back into my life. i couldn't bear to be around anyone or anything because everything around me would remind me of him. i would watch romance movie and listen to love songs. i would have my good days and my bad. i would distract myself at times and other times i would sit comfortably with my misery. i would wait for him to come back, no matter how unrealistic it was. i waited until one day i woke up and the sun was shining a little differently, and there was a slight spring in my step. one day i caught myself genuinely laughing and things seemed... okay.
i went out with my friends and family again. except i wasn't distracting myself anymore. i still have those saturday nights when i sob while watching the notebook, wondering if he'll ever come back, but the feeling doesn't last long. because i wake up on sunday morning and feel... alright. there isn't a day i don't miss him as my best friend but happiness will grow again.
it just takes strength and patience."

be strong. be patient.

Jess

the words i wish i said

    often times in a persons life moments arise where we know exactly what we want to say but we let the moment pass. i know in my personal life i try my hardest to say what i need to, but the words i have the hardest time saying are those three little words that we all long for. i love you.
    It is human nature to be want and loved, but often times i believe that this idea is misconstrued. people throw around the words i love you so easily. but those words can break hearts if not used properly. to me the words i love you are not words to be taken lightly in any sense. that's probably the reason i find it so hard to say them to people. i don't want people to get hurt by my saying them. i wont tell you those words unless i can uphold everything that comes with them.
   I can say that those words have broken me. Not only by someone who said them but by me not being able to say them back in all sincerity. and when i did realized that i did love that person it was to late. i wish i had told them how much i loved them. i wish i hadn't of let that moment in my life slip away. i wish i had told them i loved them.

Use your words wisely.

Jess